Note to Self No.2

‘Save the last dance’ was my go to movie as a teenager. I can quote every scene word for word. The scene where Sara and Derick are on the Subway and this old white lady looked at them in disgust, is quite memorable for me. Clearly the lady had an issue with the couple because of their relationship (interracial) status, Sara packed on the PDA in the scene, which made the lady show her bias feelings towards them or was it to Derick? That scene happened to me weeks into my move in Zurich, except for the PDA. I just now feel comfortable showing PDA, it could be because I’m married and I’ve been with my husband for years. Showing affection especially in public was hard for me in all my relationships, but that’s another conversation for another time. I was on the Tram (street car) with my then boyfriend (now husband) and this old white man gave us the look of death our entire ride. I was so angry, because he was staring at me, not my BF and with a look of real disgust, I was just sitting beside my husband, no kissing. I felt so many emotions, first I wondered if something was on my face, then I felt ashamed, until I got angry for letting someone make me feel ashamed. I wanted to say something, but then I worried about being perceived as a “typical’ black person. I told my BF, who said don’t look and to ignore him. How can you ignore someone who clearly can’t ignore you? Especially when they are looking at you like your filth. The look the man gave me is a look that I saw practically every day when out and about on my own, even till this day. A friend said to me, it’s not filth but curiosity. Nonetheless, it’s rude and they should most definitely stop staring no matter the reason. Every time I get this look from strangers I go through so many emotions, the one thing I do when I get the look, is to immediately talk louder thinking that makes me sound educated. I usually do this either on the phone or to whoever I am with, in order to present this image or persona that would make me less “black’, like that's possible!